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midlifecrisis

Having trouble with my own judgements - Is it mid life Crisis???

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Hello friends,

 

Not sure if this is the right place to post this - moderators please move/delete it, if found not appropriate.

 

I used to be a regular at here in the forum, up until few months back, but have created a new log in id to be able to remain anonymous, hope u guys will understand after reading through my issues.

 

Right, where to start, I have been thinking about writing this here for a very long time, but just didn't get around doing it until today.

 

I am Consultant Psychiatrist, in my late 30's. Married for 10 years, have got beautiful kids who I love to bits. 5 years into our marriage, me and my partner kinda felt, we were missing the passion and togetherness we used to have when we first got married, but happily continued with life as a lot of other things were happening around us as a family. I always felt, she was a bit over possessive with me as she didn't like me being around other females. even if it's common friends wife or sisters. I am not a go-after-girls type of guy or a female pleaser, but seems to attract and able to make good conversations with females (also with males too), all through out my life. I have moved myself away from good friends, coz of this as I thought it will keep our relationship at peace.

 

anyway, last year Summer, I met a girl whilst I was at a friends place( she just happened to be there whilst I was there), and we kind of clicked on - so well that we exchanged numbers and kept in touch with each other, she's not from the same town, but we still managed to try meet up, may be once every month or so, have a cuppa or a meal in town, and just talk. She's a divorced girl, around the same age as my wife, with 2 kids, around the same age as our kids. She is a fulltime working, single mom and I have now met her kids as well. All this time, I have kept this female, a secret from my wife, as I felt, if she found out about this girl, she would not approve of it, considering her behavior towards my attitude towards females. Trust me guys, I don't have anything bad, and nothing sexual about this other female, but found out that, I could sit and chat to her for long hours, without being judgmental about anything in specific. we kind of felt that we are like soul mates, and was able to tell each other a lot of things which I would hesitate to tell/ discuss with my wife.

 

I have made excuses and stayed back at the hospital after work, so that I could just have a chat with her. Anyway, she now has a boyfriend ( she's been divorced for nearly 7 years, and had known this bloke for 4 years now) and when we met last year, it was a time, they had a break up over something. Now that he is in her life, we chat less, but still manage to keep in touch. we both have an understanding that, we could tell each other things, we can't tell our partners.

 

It was her B'day 2 months back and I sent her some flowers, which my wife later found out - she went through my phone and mails, without my knowledge, and found out about the flowers and a few chat messages we had exchanged and accused me of cheating on her. I have never cheated on my wife, but then having a friend like this behind her back, can also be classified as cheating. She now accuses me of sleeping with her and doing a lot of other nasty things, which she kinda of made up from her imagination. But my life is in a complete mess, the last 2 months - there is not even a single day we haven't fought becoz of this, coz whenever we are face to face, she brings something up and takes it to a whole new level and I respond to it, and the fight starts.

 

we used to have fights in front of the kids and now we both have agreed, we won't do it in front of the kids - so wait until they go to bed. I have had sleepless nights becoz of this and go to work, tired. I am making silly mistakes at work these days, like not always going through my dictated letters before signing it off or my mind wandering off whilst I am at meetings, or at ward rounds or even whilst interviewing patients.

 

the other woman, is aware of all this, and at one point, I was going to make my wife meet her, but then decided against it, as I don't see it going anywhere positive. my wife has had very strong words to our common friend, where I met this girl last year, accusing him to set me up with this girl,and accusing me of sleeping with her and all that, and he's assured her that nothing like that would have ever happened, as he knows both of us really well. she just cannot understand I was keeping a good healthy, non sexual kind of relationship with this other woman, and will not forgive me for keeping her a secret all this time. This has affected our relationship, beyond repair and I don't really know where we are going with this.

 

the other woman is aware of all this and has voluntarily backed off, we do still talk once in a while when time permits, and she has been very much understanding with all this. I still like to be her friend, and she still wants to keep me as a friend, but we have decided to take a break from each other, coz of what's going on in my life.

 

my wife has made me to delete whats ap, viber and I am not allowed to be active on fb or any other social medias. I feel like a tied up dog, and she makes threat to do something to herself and the kids if I ever meet up with this other girl. I don't have any intentions to do that any more, but just feel - I am at loss and my life a complete mess. I am on a timer all the time, I have to be home at a certain time every day, no matter what, and every calls are monitored by her to make sure I am not keeping in touch with her in anyway. If I get home like more than 10 mins late one day, that will be more than enough for her to start a fight for that day.

 

Just wanted to say this to somebody for a very long time, but don't know how it will help

 

Sorry about my long rambling mail, but any thoughts guys??

Edited by midlifecrisis

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I think you need more than this forum. There's always more in a relationship that cant be shared on an open forum or indeed others.

Have you both considered marraige counselling?

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think again about your mission,because you are up-to your ear in the work,which makes you dissatisfy.If you think everyday about your mission, you will recharge your will.

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What is it about her u like

U have kids,work in psychiatry

Can you easily make that link

What kids of separated parents go thru either virtual or true separation

It's human to make mistakes

As u have been so truthful ,share this with your wife

Not being judgemental for your new friend

But she has had a previous poor relationship

And we all know history repeats.....

I hope this helps

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Hey there,

 

I don't know if it's my place to say this, but the thing that jumped out at me the most in what you wrote is: "she makes threat to do something to herself and the kids...". Risk trumps everything else in clinical practice, and I've found it a pretty reasonable rule of thumb for other parts of life too. It's understandable for your wife to be upset, for the two of you to argue, but once anyone makes threats to harm innocent parties, their safety has to take priority.

 

I don't know your wife, so I don't know if she would have meant that, but I think it's something you need to decide for yourself - "are my children safe in this situation?", If the answer's "no", then you need to do something to protect them.

 

It might help to talk to a counsellor, or even to take a couple of weeks' leave. Much though we like to think of ourselves as essential, the wards and clinics keep running without us (for a short time, anyway), and someone can cover until you at least get an action plan sorted. 

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From the way you described your wife isn't your soulmate maybe you should go after this girl instead of spending the rest of your life doubting yourself and speculating what could have been...

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Dude I feel for ya. Not easy at all when there are kids involved. If you feel your marriage is worth fighting for then you would do everything in your power to save it but I feel there is an important ingrediant thats missing from your relationship...TRUST. Seek marriage counselling buddy but if that doesnt work then you need to decide if being in this relationship is good for either of you.

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guess my take on this is different

 

in camhs ,no exception to the rule,ALL KIDS HAVE HISTORY OF SEPARATED PARENTS

correct me if you have seen biological parents still together bringing their kid to clinic

 

most of other adult patients also history of separated parents

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Alex, I'm in CAMHS at the moment, and I've got quite a few exceptions to that rule. I don't think it's a universal rule.

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HI

I m uncertain as to what we can offer you in terms of advice that you arleady didnt think through yourself.

For instance there are an number of things that are a given here.

 

1. Your wife will not tolerate any form of relationship that you may have with this friend of yours. Given that she  would have felt demeaned when you chose to go to someone else for companionship, she would rightly want to vent her dissatisfaction in a number of ways. unfortunately without adequately processing this there is little likelihood of an end point to this.

 

2. You have given an indication as to what you want to do in terms of this other relationship i.e. you want it to continue. Given half a chance (if you thought your wife wouldnt have found out) you would go back to keeping it going.

 

Telling isnt it?

 

3. Given that there are children involved you are reasonably aware that their upbringing in a stable house is important and that stability is best when their both parents are stable. You can correct me if im wrong but talk about "harming children" is just ammunition for fights and escalating that i.e. naming it  "risk to children" is just silly.

 

4. Maintaining status quo would obviously be your first option (prior to your wife finding out that is). However as it is right now - there isnt going to be one. It may be an old adage...but its true...you cant eat your cake and have it to. You will need to decide one way or the other.

 

As a by the by ...Isnt it interesting that men are allowed male "buddies" who they can talk to, spend time with alone, share things to the exclusion of the family and generally can form no part of the marital dyad without any difficulty?

 

Marriage counselling /Relate / common friends/ etc all can be accessed only when both of you decide that your marriage needs to be salvaged. The trick is going to be how and if ...both of you can get to that point....

 

All the best.

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wow, brilliant feedback Phaedrus....

lot of respect for u..

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