anaylor01

Help Please.

1 post in this topic

First of all I want to apologize for this being ALL over the place but that is how my mind works. It is my sincere hope that someone can read this and help me.

All my life I have had problems getting bored with relationships and jobs. I haven't lived in the same place for longer than a year in 19 years. I haven't had a job longer than a year in 19 years. I haven't had a relationship in 19 years. Going to work everyday 9 to 5 drives me crazy. I get bored. Stir crazy. Teen angst. Mild anxiety. Hard to sit in one place. I have smoked since I was 16. I drank alcohol. I started having stomach problems when I was 24. I have had pancreatitis about 50 times. Gastritis about 50 times. I have gotten both without drinking. But mostly from alcohol. I have been able to drink more than other people. I hadn't had any thing to drink in months and drank Long Island Ice Teas. I had about 6 before I started feeling good. The bartender told me that she had never seen anyone be able to drink more than 3. In 2012 I had a severe case of pancreatitis. I had to take pain killers 24 hours a day for 2 months. After about a month I realized I felt fine. I was able to get up and go to work. Come home. Go to the gym. Come home and go to sleep and get up and do it all over again without wanting to blow my brains out. I have been on two different antidepressants and both made me suicidal. After being on pain killers for 2 months. No withdrawals. Well I have been using opiates since 2012. Now I don't take them everyday or anything close to that. NOr do I need them. Actually as of right now I have only had one 10mg pill in over a year. I know I am not an addict. But they help me feel NORMAL. I have NEVER felt normal until opiates. My sister used to be a complete mess. She has been on opiates for 30 years and her life has been a million times better. I have been diagnosed as bipolar. I remember staying up for 2 days without any sleep when I was 4. I have days that I can't sleep. Like last night. My mind races. I have stayed up for 5 days without sleep. NO I WAS NOT ON ANY DRUGS. Actually I was given Ambien. They didn't work. I know that I have some form of Bipolar. IF I FORCE myself to stay up I get a buzz. Almost like I am on drugs or drunk. I have talked to about 10 pysch doctors. They don't seem to hear what I am saying. OPIATES DO NOT GET ME HIGH. If I do a TON I will get mild nods. I have done heroin and when I did it. I thought "Why is this stuff illegal?" Now I know that it affects me differently. When I take it it makes me feel NORMAL and I can FUNCTION. I spent the last 8 months on 16mg of Suboxone daily. I quit cold turkey and NO WITHDRAWALS. The doctors have given me Wellbutrin(caused me to be a little down), seroquil(sleeping 14 hours a day), Ritalin(stomach problems), Lithium(got lithium toxcity), sera something that caused me to get pancreatitis, and a bunch of other stuff I can't remember right now but NONE of it helped at all. It either did nothing or hurt. I just want to feel normal. I think that I might have a dopamine deficiency. But I don't know.

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