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Psychiatry jokes

630 posts in this topic

I'll start off -

A guy walked in to a psychiatrist's office wearing only cling-film underpants. The psychiatrist said: 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

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Q- what do psychatrists say when they meet each other?

A- you look fine, how am i?

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a psychiatrist is a person who look at others when a beautiful woman enters the room

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Neurotics build castles, psychotics lives in them and psychiatrists charges the rent.

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Q - How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A - Only one...but the lightbulb really has to want to change

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The woman seated herself in the psychiatrist's office. 'What seems to be the problem?' the doctor asked.

'Well, I, uh,' she stammered. 'I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac (a woman who likes to have sex very often, with lots of different men).'

'I see,' he said. 'I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour.'

'That's not bad,' she replied. 'How much for all night?'

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Narcissistic PD phones psychiatrist: &quot:lol:octor, it's about your appointment with me next week ...'

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Two consultant psychiatrists are walking along a hospital corrider. A consultant surgeon walking in the opposite direction passes them, waves his hand and says, 'hello.'

One psychiatrist turns to the other and says, 'what do you think he meant by that?'

:D

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Q-what did the psychiatrist said when he entered the neurology ward?

A-my god! all patients are organic.

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Once I had multiple personalities, but now we are feeling well.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

The best thing about being schizophrenic is that I'm never alone.

Just because you are paranoid doesn't mean people aren't out to get you!

Hypochondria is the only illness that I don't have.

I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.

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Psychiatrist to his nurse: 'Just say we're very busy. Don't keep saying 'It's a madhouse.

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What happens when a psychiatrist and a hooker spend one hour together? each of them says: '80 dollars, please.'

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Q-How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?

1 None. The light bulb will change itself when it's ready.

2 Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

3 Just one, but it takes nine visits.

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Q How do you tell the difference between the staff and the inmates at a psychiatric hospital?

A The patients get better and leave.

Not everyone of the patients thinks he is God.

The staff have the keys!

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Patient-Doctor, doctor, people keep telling me I'm ugly!

Psychiatrist- ok, Lay on the couch, face down.

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Last year alone I received 33 thank you cards from patients. 32 of them were from one patient.

:lol:

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A psychiatrist, who was just starting out, advertised his clinic as follows: 'Satisfaction guaranteed or your mania back.'

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Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep. Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try something different.

A few weeks later, Joe's former psychoanalyst meets his old client in the supermarket, and is surprised to find him looking well-rested, energetic, and cheerful. &quot:lol:oc!' Joe says, 'It's amazing! I'm cured!'

'That's great news!' the psychoanalyst says. 'you seem to be doing much better. How?'

'I went to see another doctor,' Joe says enthusiastically, 'and he cured me in just ONE session!'

'One?!' the psychoanalyst asks incredulously.

'Yeah,' continues Joe, 'my new doctor is a behaviorist.'

'A behaviorist?' the psychoanalyst asks. 'How did he cure you in one session?'

'Oh, easy,' says Joe. 'He told me to cut the legs off of my bed.'

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a lady confused her valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't really care.

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Howard is the senior member of the nursing home and at the age of 94 still gets around pretty good. One of his favorite places to go is the garden where he can sit in seclusion and ponder his lifes accomplishments.

One day another member of the home named Annebel walks in and the two begin to talk. Soon the conversation turns to sex and Howard says 'thats what I miss most of all.' The woman looks at the frail Howard and says 'you old coot...what makes you think you can still get it up?' 'I suppose youre right' says Howard 'but at least it would be nice if someone would just hold it.' The old woman saw no harm in this and agreed to 'hold it' and this activity went on everyday for a couple of weeks.

One day Annebel went into the garden to be with Howard and he was nowhere to be found. She was told he was last seen in room 905 so off she went. Annebel arrives at room 905 and is shocked to find Howard with another nursing home member named Mabel. They are sitting together and Mabel is 'holding it', Annebel instantly becomes irate and shouts 'Howard, how could you do this to me, what does she have that I dont have?'...Howard just smiles and says 'Parkinsons'.

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Dr. Sigmund al Farheed went to india to attend a conference and had to travel by train in the night. Considering his habbit of sleeping soundly, he decided to pay his co passenger Rs 100 to wkae him up at 3.00 am to get down at his station. In the night, when dr. sahib went off to sleep, the fellow passenger, who was incidently a barber as well, decided that Rs 100 is too much for such a small service and this gentlman deserve more service than that. He then wnet on to give Dr. sahib a nice shave.

The time came and the barber did his duty and Dr. sahib was standing on the station in the middle of night. He then decided to wash his face to freshen up himself. But when he saw himself in the mirror, he got startled and then said angrily I paid that be-iman fellow Rs 100 also and still he got soneone else down instead of me

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A man goes to a Psychiatrist and says, &quot:lol:oc, I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about sex.'

The Psychiatrist says, 'Well let's see what we can find out' and pulls out his ink blots. 'What is this a picture of?' he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, 'That's a man and a woman on a bed making love.'

The Psychiatrist says, 'very interesting' and shows the next picture. 'And what is this a picture of?'

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, 'That's a man and a woman on a bed making love.'

The Psychiatrist tries again with the third ink blot and asks the same question, 'What is this a picture of?'

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, 'That's a man and a woman on a bed making love.'

The Psychiatrist states, 'Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex.'

'Me!?' demands the patient. 'You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!'

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When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session. 'I'm not aware of your problem,' the doctor said. 'So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.'

'Of course,' replied the patient. 'In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth ...'

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Interviewer- to an eighty year old : 'What is sex like at this age?'

Old man: 'It is like trying to play billiards with a rope!'

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