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Guest marianna

idiots guide to the mental health act

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This was gleaned from a nurse forum-

Neatly paraphrased I thought!

Please read no further if your sense of humour is failing.

The Idiot's Guide to the Mental Health Act (1983)

Section2: We have brought you into hospital to find out if you are a loony,

and if so, how much of a loony you are.  We can keep you here for up to

28days (4 weeks) during which time you may, or may not, see a consultant,

therapist or any other over-paid 'professional'.  Instead, we over-worked and

undervalued Nurses do all the work, so   if you p**s us off we may decide to

keep you in for longer and make your life a misery.  If you turn out to be a

loony (as decided by the over-paid 'professionals') you may be regraded to

Section 3.

Section3: You are a loony, and the Consultant has decided that he's not being

paid enough, or his beds are being under utilised, and in an attempt to

justify his £100+K salary, and to make the payments on his new yacht, BMW,

Villa or mistress, has decided he can make you better, and you are going to

stay in hospital whether you want to or not.  You are going to take your

medication whether you want to or not.  You can do this the easy way, or the

hard way.  The easy way entails you swallowing your pills like a good boy or

girl; the hard way involves large numbers of psychopathic Nurses who have

been rejected from the more caring sectors of the NHS, and now get their

jollies from sticking sharp objects into the buttocks of you poor,

inoffensive people who have done nothing to upset anybody.

Section4: Some bearded weirdo in a tweed jacket with leather patches on the

elbows has decided that you need to come into Hospital, but can't get hold of

a Consultant, because he's on his Yacht, at his Villa or playing Golf with

his friends who wear the aprons and have funny handshakes.  He's dumped you

on us, because he can't go through the bother of finding another Consultant

and he wants to get you off his patch, pretty damn quick! You'll be here for

72 hours.  Like it or lump it! We have to.

Section5(2): You are already in hospital, having volunteered to come in, but

have decided that you're not staying here (and with the current state of the

NHS, who could blame you).  But its two-thirty in the morning, three degrees

below freezing and there's no transport available to take you home.  You are

undernourished and weak from NHS catering, but have decided to walk home

anyway.  The Duty Doctor has decided you are barking, but can't get hold of

the Consultant (they are allowed to sleep at night!).  The Duty Doctor signs

a form and you are stuck here for 72hours.  This takes him 5mins, after which

he can piss off to his nice warm bed, leaving the poor nurses to cope with a

thoroughly pi***d-off patient for the next 5 hours.

Section5(4): Conditions are much the same as 5(2), above, except the Duty

Doctor is pi**ed, missing, both or shagging some little student, and can't

come to the ward to spend 5mins signing the bloody forms, so we can hang onto

you, until he can.  We use the same form, but cross out the '2' and write a

'4' in instead.  Your arse is now ours for the next 6 hours!

Section 37: You have been a bad boy, haven't you?  You've been up before the

beak, but some bleeding-heart, wishy-washy liberal has persuaded the powers

that be that you are mad, not bad so, you have been dumped on the

over-stressed, under-funded NHS, to occupy a bed that some genuinely ill

person badly needs, when you should be in stir, eating porrisge for

breakfast, crapping in a bucket and being afraid to bend over in the showers.

Section41: This one is usually attached to the previous section, to give rise

to the legendary 37/41 tag.  Basically, it means you've been more naughty

than usual and can't even scratch your arse without written permission from

the Home Office (If you'd ignored your Brief's advice, and pleaded guilty,

you'd be out by now.  As it is, you could be here for life.)

Copies of this document are not available from Her Majesty's Stationary

Office.

The above is in no way meant to represent the truth

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So when I am a consultant, not only will I get a £100K, own a villa, a yacht and a set of golf clubs, but I will also have a mistress

fantastic

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Ha HA HA

Excellent piece of work!

I think I cant control laughing next time I see the MHA papers!!

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I am sure there would atleast a few ''appropriate places'' where the word nurse could be substituted by SHO e.g.over worked underpaid (and dreaming of getting Consultant's perks!)

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Good old piece I picked from the previous posts. 8-).

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So when I am a consultant, not only will I get a £100K, own a villa, a yacht and a set of golf clubs, but I will also have a mistress

fantastic

Ha Ha Ha Ha..

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I must leave London, otherwise I ll never own a yacht

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Wonderful :lol: One of the best stuff I have read this month. Whats the actual link to this forum???

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