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carefree

Jokes for all!!!

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A Helpful Man

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch.

He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by.

Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help.

As he is hooking his truck to her car he says, “You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch.”

“But I'm not pregnant,” she says.

“Well, you're not out of the ditch :-/

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A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

'You'll get your chance in court,' said the Desk Sergeant.

'No, no, no!' said the man. 'I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!' :-/

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A little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late.

Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull.

Annoyed, teacher demands, 'Can't your father do that?'

Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, 'Well, sure... but the bull can do it better.' :-/

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Nice way to start the new thread, carefree! :D

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Two men are walking back from the pub. Suddenly they see a building on fire. A man is shouting and waving for help from a balcony on the seventh floor.

The first man shouts up 'Jump!'

The trapped man shouts down 'Are you crazy? It's certain death.'

The first man shouts 'No it's perfectly safe.. Look.' and he runs into the building, up the stairs and appears on the balcony. He climbs up on to the balcony, and without hesitating, jumps off, and lands neatly on the pavement by the second man, and shouts up 'Come on, you'll be fine!'

So the man jumps and hits the floor with a horrible splat.

The second man turns to the first and says 'Superman, you're such a b**tard when you're drunk.'

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A city guy is out driving in the countryside when he accidently hits a rabbit, killing it outright. He stops the car to check what happened and is overcome with grief when he sees the poor bunny.

A woman driving by sees him weeping and stops to see what is wrong.

'Oh I feel terrible,' he says, 'I've just killed this poor rabbit.'

'I think I may have something that could help,' replies the woman.

She returns to her car, takes an aerosol can out of the glove compartment and sprays the rabbit all over. Instantly the rabbit shakes and twitches, before sitting up and looking dazed. After a moment it hops away over the road and into a field.

After a few hops it stops, looks back and gives the woman a little wave. It takes another few hops, turns and does the same thing, waves and hops on. It keeps repeating this until it is out of sight.

'That was amazing,' says the man, 'What on earth did you spray it with?'

The woman hands him the can, which reads HAIRSPRAY.

'Hairspray can do all that?,' he asks incredulously,

'Sure,' she replies, 'Read the rest of the can.'

RESTORES LIFE TO DEAD HAIR, ADDS PERMENANT WAVE! :lol: :lol: :lol:

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He Said, She Said

He said..I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.

She said...You wear pants don't you?

He said . . . Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly.

She said . . . Well..you succeeded!

He said . . .Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said . . . That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!

He said . . . What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said . . .Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said . . . Why don't you tell me when you have an orgasm?

She said . . . I would but you're never there. :-/

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Had this one sent through mail , Have a look , Enjoy !

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.

As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, 'Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!'

The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two pasties.

The guy behind our friend goes off again. 'Yeah baby! Shake those things.'

Our friend turned around and said, 'Hey buddy, calm down!'

After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off her dress, revealing a very thin G-string.

Again the man behind our friend yelled out, 'Oh baby! You're almost there!'

Our friend again turned around and said, 'Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will you!'

A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend.

Curious, our friend turned around and asked, 'Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now'?

The guy responded, 'It's on your back, dude.'

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:lol: :lol: :lol: i loved this one carefree...i laughed out loud..at work!

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hi carefree.. excellent mate.. keep goin and let everyone have a good time.!

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Subject: Chava cushty how man

> >

> >

> > >

> > >What do you call a Chav in a box?

> > >Innit.

> > >

> > >

> > >What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet?

> > >Sorted.

> > >

> > >

> > >What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it?

> > >Safe.

> > >

> > >

> > >Why are Chavs like slinkies?

> > >They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a light

> > >of stairs.

> >

> >

> > >

> > >What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit?

> > >The bride.

> > >

> > >

> > >You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try

> > >not to hit him? It might be your bike.

> > >

> > >

> > >What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut?

> > >One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

> > >

> > >

> > >What's the first question at a Chav quiz night?

> > >'What the **** you lookin'at?'

> > >

> > >

> > >How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box?

> > >Paint three stripes on it.

> > >

> > >

> > >Two Chavs in a car without any music....who's driving?

> > >The police.

> > >

> > >

> > >What do you call a Chav with 9 GCSE's?

> > >A liar.

> > >

> >

> >

> > >What do you say to a Chav with a job?

> > >Can I have a big mac please.

> > >

> > >

> > >What do you say to a chav in a suit?

> > >Will the defendant please stand.

> > >

> > >

> > >What do you call a knife in Chav-ville?

> > >Exhibit A.

> > >

> > >

> > >Why is 3 Chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame?

> > >A Nova seats 4.

> > >

> > >

> > >What do you call a 27 year old Chavette?

> > >Granny.

> > >

> > >

> > >

> > >How many Chavs does it take to change a light bulb?

> > >One, they'll screw anything.

> > >

> > >

> > >What do you call 100 Chavs at the bottom of a river?

> > >A start.

> > >

> > >

> > >How many Chavs does it take to clean a floor?

> > >None, 'That's

>some uvver bleeders job innit.'

> > >

> > >

> > >Why did the Chav take a shower?

> > >He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the

> > >car wash.

> > >

> > >

> > >Why did the Chav cross the road?

> > >To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

> > >

> > >

> > >What do you call a Chav at college?

> > >The cleaner.

> > >

> > >

> > >Two Chavs jump off a cliff, who wins?

> > >Society!

> > >

> > >

> > >How do you stop a Chav from drowning?

> > >Take your foot off their head.

> > >

> > >

> > >What's the difference between a Chav girl and the Grand Old Duke of

> > >York? The Grand Old Duke of York only had ten thousand men...

> > >

> > >

> > >At the end of

>a tiny deserted bar is a huge Chav male, 6ft 5in tall and

> > >350lbs. He's having a few beers when a short, well P***d and

> > >obviously gay man walks in and sits beside him. After 3 or 4 beers,

> > >the gay fella finally plucks up the courage to say something to the big Chavster.

> > >Leaning over, he cups the Chav's huge ear &quot:lol:o you want a blow job?'

> > >he whispers. At this, the Chav leaps up with fire in his eyes and

> > >smacks the man in the face. Knocking him off the stool, he proceeds

> > >to beat him all the way out of the bar. Finally he leaves him badly

> > >bruised in the car park and returns to his seat as if nothing had happened.

> > >Amazed the bartender quickly brings over another beer.'I've never

> > >seen you react like that' he says 'Just what did he say to you?'

> > >'I'm not sure' the

>Chav replies. 'Something about a job.'

> > >

> > >

> > >Whats the difference between an onion and a dying Chav?

> > >Onions make you cry!

> > >

> > >

> > >What do Chavs use as protection during sex?

> > >A bus shelter.

> > >

> > >

> > >What do you call a 12 year old Chav girl?

> > >Pregnant.

> > >

> > >

> > >What do you do if you run a Chav over?

> > >Slip it into reverse just to make sure.

> > >

> > >

> > >What do you do if you shoot a Chav?

> > >Reload.

> > >

> > >

> > >What does a Chavette do when she gets up in the morning?

> > >She goes home

> > >

> > >What's brown and black and looks great on a Chav?

> > >A rottweiler.

> > >

> > >What's yellow and looks great on a Chav?

> >

> >A JCB.

> > >

> > >What's the difference between a battery and a Chav?

> > >A battery has a positive side.

> > >

> > >

> > >What do you give a Chav that's buried up to his neck in sand? More

> > >sand.

> > >

> > >

> > >Judge: What gear were you in at the moment of crashing your Nova?

> > >Chav

> > >defendant: 'Reeboks and a Burberry cap.'

> > >

> > >

> > >Chavette is doing the washing up when her 4 year old daughter comes

> > >up to her. 'Mummy, I wondered why your hands are so soft'

> > >Says the Chavette. 'It's 'cos I'm twelve, innit'

> > >

> > >

> > >What is the similarity between a middle aged chav and the Beatles

> > >They haven't been together since the 70's.

> > >

> > >

> > >What's the difference between a phone battery and

>a Chav just out of

> > >prison? The battery will last at least a couple of days be

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THE PHARMACIST

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to go out and 'do it' for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic. But he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some protection. the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour, telling him everything he needs to know about protection and 'doing it.'

At the register, the pharmacist asks how many the boy would like to buy: a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up and his girlfriend meets him at the door. 'Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,' she says. 'Come on in.'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table, where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were so religious.'

The boy turns and whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

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Thanx Injy and Rddoc!!!

Cheers :)

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A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering,

finally manages to say, &quot:lol:octor, I have a sexual performance problem.

Can you help me?'

'Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!' announces a proud

physician, 'They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that

does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history.'

So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry

way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the

street.

&quot:lol:octor, Doctor!' exclaims the man excitedly, 'I've got to

thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful! I've had sex

fourteen times in eight days!'

'Well, I'm glad to hear that' says the pleased physician, 'What does

your wife think about it?'

'Wife?' asks the man, 'I haven't been home yet!'

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On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students,

pointing out some of the rules:

'The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male

students, and the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined £20 the first time.'

He continued, 'Anybody caught breaking this rule the second

time will be fined £60. Being caught a third time will cost

you a fine of £180. Are there any questions?'

   

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:

'How much for a season pass?' :-/

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Patient: Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife.

When I get close enough to her, I get a bit nauseous. When I push it in, I get sick to my stomach.........!

Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.

Patient sticks out his tongue... :-/ :'( :-/

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'You and your husband don't seem to have an awful lot in

common,' said the new tenant's neighbor.

'Why on earth did you get married?'

'I suppose it was the old business of 'opposites attract',' was the reply.

'He wasn't pregnant and I was.'

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Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting modules, limiting access to flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9 but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and HouseCleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

--Desperate

=====================================

Dear Desperate,

Keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: 'C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME' and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, HappyHour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create 'Snoring Loudly' wave files.

DO NOT install MotherInLaw 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program.

These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In

summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0 and Lingerie 5.3.

--Tech Support

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Fish Market

One day there was a blind man walking down the street and he smelled oranges, so he bought some fruit.

He smelled some pastries, so he bought some donuts.

Then he walked passed a fish market, took a hard sniff, and said, 'Hello ladies!'

;)

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Tight Skirt, Bus Stop

One day, at a bus stop there was a girl who was wearing a skintight miniskirt. When the bus arrived and it was her turn to get on, she realized that her skirt was so tight she couldn't get her foot high enough to reach to step.

Thinking it would give her enough slack to raise her leg, she reached back and unzipped her skirt a little. She still could not reach the step. Embarrassed, she reached back once again to unzip it a little more. Still, she couldn't reach the step.

So, with her skirt zipper halfway down, she reached back and unzipped her skirt all the way. Thinking that she could get on the step now, she lifted up her leg only to realize that she still couldn't reach the step.

So, seeing how embarrassed the girl was, the man standing behind her put his hands around her waist and lifted her up on to the first step of the bus. The girl turned around furiously and said, 'How dare you touch my body that way, I don't even know you!'

Shocked, the man says, 'Well, ma'am, after you reached around and unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends.'

;) ::);)

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Who's the Boss :-? ?

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.

As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, 'Here, put these on.'

She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.

'I can't wear your trousers.' she said.

'That's right,'' said the husband, 'and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family.'

With that she flipped him her panties and said, 'Try these on.'

He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.

'Hell,' he said. ''I can't get into your panties!'

She replied, 'That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes.'

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WoW!!!.............

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Applying for a Job at the CIA

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.

The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances,' they explained. 'Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.' The man looked horrified and said, 'You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!' 'Well,' said the CIA man, 'you're definitely not the right man for this job then.'

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,' they explained to the second man. 'Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.' The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. 'I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job.'

'No,' the CIA man replied, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. 'We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.' The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.

The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, 'You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!'

:-?

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