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Jokes for all!!!

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Relationship Observations

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = pregnancy

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = affair

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

Some Finance: A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.

Some Psych: A woman worries about the future until she

gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until

he gets a wife.

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and

love him a little............

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.........

Married men live longer than single man.....................

but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes............there's no use

in two people remembering the same thing.

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There is 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman...............

before marriage and after marriage.  :-/

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Unpleasant Engagement

'His family wasn't too pleased about our engagement,'

sighed the party girl to her roommate.

She added 'In fact, his wife was furious........'  :-/

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Marital Spat

The woman yelled at her husband, 'You're gonna be really

sorry! I'm going to LEAVE you!'

He responded, 'Make up your mind! Which one is it gonna be?' :-/

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Family is Family - Money is Money

Chad nervously approached his girlfriend's father and said

'Excuse me, Mr. Scott, but there was something I wanted to

ask you.'

'Well, of course, young man!' the proud father replied. 'You

have my full blessing. My daughter's happiness is all I


'Blessing, sir?' Chad stammered.

'Yes, of course. You want to marry my daughter, right?' Mr.

Scott said.

'Uh, no sir, that's not it.' said Chad. 'Actually, my car

payment is due and I'm a little short until payday, and I wanted to know if I could borrow fifty dollars until Friday.'

'Heck no!' yelled Mr. Scott. 'I hardly know you.' :-/

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Buying a Fur Coat

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, young

Jackie said unhappily, 'Mom, do you realize how some poor dumb

beast suffered so you could have that?'

The woman shot her an angry look, 'Jackie, how dare you talk

about your father like that!' :-/

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Show the Lady the Finest Mink Coat You Have

A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier.

'Show the lady your finest mink!' the fellow exclaims.

So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an

absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, 'Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for £65,000.'

'No problem! I'll write you a cheque!'

'Very good, sir.' says the shop owner. 'Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.'

So the man and the woman leave.

On Monday, the fellow returns.

The store owner is outraged, 'How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!'

'I just had to come by,' grinned the guy, 'to thank you for the most

wonderful weekend of my life!' :-/

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15 pieces of advice for women regarding men:

Don't imagine you can change a man, unless he's in diapers.

What do you do when your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door behind him.

If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put them all up there.

Never let your man's mind wander. Its too small to be out on it's own.

Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyways.

Men are all the same. They just have different faces so you can tell them apart.

The definition of a bachelor is a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are do-it-yourself types.

The best way to get a man to do something is to say he's too old for it.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

If he asks what kind of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

Remember, a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes. It means that you laugh at him.:-/

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The MR. RIGHT Rejection Letter

Dear [____rejectee's name here_____],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ Your breasts are bigger than mine.

___ Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it,  

hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at

McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.

___ Your inadvertent admission that you 'buy condoms by the

truckload' indicates that you may be interested in me for something

other than my personality.

___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions

about yourself before you asked me one.

___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then

you can't GET into my pants.

___ Your 'Putting on a few, aren't you babe?' comment, given the 9

months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.

___ You failed the credit check.

___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an

inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___ The phrase 'My Mother' has popped up far too often in conversation.

___ You still live with your parents.

___ You mention your ex-girlfriend's name more than you mentioned


___ Three words: Size does matter.


[Your name here]

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Every Woman's Dream

A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there.

She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with. The man said, 'This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection that causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment.

I was wondering what you could give me for it?'

The pharmacist said, 'Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister.'

When she returned, she said, 'The best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and £5,000 in cash.' :-/

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Nude Picture At The Art Gallery!!

A couple goes to an art gallery. They find a picture of a naked women with only her privates covered with leaves.

The wife doesn't like it and moves on but the huband keeps looking.

The wife asks, 'What are you waiting for?'

The husband replies, 'Autumn.' :-/

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A foreigner enters a busy continental restaurant in London and looks at the menu. when the waitress comes to take his order he whispers what he wants as his English is not very good and he didn;t want to embarass himself.

when he says what he wants, the waitress gets angry and slaps him. the manager is also a woman and whe she comes around he asks for the same things and she slaps him as well.

An old man sitting in the next table leans over to the two ladies and says 'i think all he wants is a quiche love!'

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Bar... Monkey

 A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, and somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, &quot:lol:id you see what your monkey did?'

The guy says, 'No, what?'

'He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!'

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. 'He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for everything.'

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.

Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey is with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. &quot:lol:id you see what your monkey did now?' he asks.

'No, what?' replied the guy. 'Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, pulled it out and ate it!' said the bartender.

'Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,' replied the guy. He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first.'


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Uncle Ted's Morals

 Billy's homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, 'My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.'

The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, &quot:lol:on't put all your eggs in one basket.'

Next is Lucy. 'Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don't count your chicks before they are hatched.''

Billy is last to speak. He says, ''My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.''

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.

Billy replies, &quot:lol:on't fuck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.''


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A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization... i hope the NHS is Listening 8-)

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed

that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt

pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when

the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a

spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that

all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, 'Why the spoon?'

'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owners hired Andersen

Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our


After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that

customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other

utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons

per table per hour.

If our personnel are prepared to deal with that contingency, we can

reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours

per shift.'

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it

with his spare spoon. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the

kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was

rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to

look around.

I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the

waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the

same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of

me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can

you tell me why you have that string right there?

'Oh, certainly!' he answered, lowering his voice. 'Not everyone is as

observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that

we can save time in the restroom.' 'How so?' 'See,' he continued, 'by

tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out over

the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash

the hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39


'Okay, that makes sense, but . . .. if the string helps you get it

out, how do you put it back in?'

Well,' he whispered, lowering his voice even further, 'I don't know

about the others, but I use the spoon.'

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BRILLIANT BRILLIANT ONES!!! cheers docpurrs, carefree and rddoc!

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Three words that can hurt any man's ego


one more as given by carefree--


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Thanx paranth!

Cheers ;)

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There is a new study out about women............................... and how they feel about their asses!

35% of women think their ass is too big

10% of women think their ass is too small

The other 55% say that they don't care

they love him

he's a good man......

and they would have married him anyway. :-/

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A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane.

All of a sudden, the man sneezes powerfully.

He takes out his handkerchief, opens his zipper, takes out his willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in and zips up.

The woman is shocked - but she thinks it wise not to say anything and tries not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man.

Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one...and the same routine: Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close.

That nearly makes the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing.

After the third sneeze she cannot help but ask: 'Excuse me, Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each time you have taken out know what.... and wiped it. May I inquire why?'

'Oh, you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze, I get an orgasm.'

'But that's awful! What do you take for it?'

'Pepper,' answers the man.

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When they were dating, the husband would make love on his water bed like a starved wild beast who would go on and on.........

They called the bed 'Ocean Of Motion Love Potion'.

Now that they are married, the bed has been renamed 'The Dead Sea' :-/

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Female Dictionary

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, 'made the dinner.'

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See also 'Magician.'

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say 'focus ... breathe... push...'

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, 'to go somewhere and neck.' After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also 'tranquilizers.'

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card

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Suspicious Wife

A wife suspected her husband of having an affair with the maid.

She thought of a plan to take him by surprise.

One Friday night, she told the maid to take the day off; and that night she went into the maid's room, switched off all the lights and, in pitch darkness, slipped into the bed.

Sure enough at midnight, there were footsteps and a figure opened the door and slipped into the maid's bed beside her.

After a few passionate kisses, the wife suddenly switched on the lights and asked, 'Surprised?'

'I sure am, ma'am!' stammered the chauffeur :-/

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This morning my wife was up early....earlier than me!

Sleepily I kissed her 'good morning'.

She said, 'I'm taking care of breakfast.'

Excited, I nearly jumped with joy and said, 'Really? You're kidding? You never help with breakfast. Then again, you're never awake this early. Oh boy! Do I get breakfast in bed?'

'Sure. If you'll make the toast and pour the coffee,' she replied, 'breakfast will be ready.'

'Alright!' I said as I prepared the coffee and put a couple of slices of bread in the toaster. 'What are we having for breakfast?'

'Toast and coffee.' :-/

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Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit

Mr. Bear and Mr. Rabbit lived in the same forest, but they didn't like each other very much. One day, while walking through the woods, and they came across a golden frog. They were amazed when the frog talked to them. The golden frog admitted that he didn't often meet anyone, but, when he did, he always gave them six wishes, so he told them that they could have three wishes each.

Mr. Bear immediately wished that all the other bears in the forest were females. The frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit, after thinking for a while, wished for a crash helmet. One appeared immediately, and he placed it on his head.

Mr. Bear was amazed at Mr. Rabbit's wish, but carried on with his second wish. He wished that all the bears in the neighboring forests were females as well, and the frog granted his wish. Mr. Rabbit then wished for a motorcycle. It appeared before him, and he climbed on board and started revving the engine.

Mr. Bear could not believe it and complained that Mr. Rabbit had wasted two wishes that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, Mr. Bear made his final wish, that all the other bears in the world were females as well, leaving him as the only male bear in the world. The frog replied that it had been done, and they both turned to Mr. Rabbit for his last wish.

Mr. Rabbit revved the engine, thought for a second, then said, “I wish that Mr. Bear was gay!” and rode off as fast as he could.


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